A blog for Christian men "going their own way."

Monday, July 14, 2008

The New Gender Deal

It's time for men to give women the ultimatum. I know that such language doesn't sound conciliatory, but given how men have been treated in our culture, desperate times call for desperate measures. I submit for your approval the New Gender Deal. It is addressed to women. They have to right to accept or reject it. They have the right to seek out men who don't agree with it. However, women should not be surprised if many men champion the sentiments of the New Gender Deal. It ultimately does not matter how the New Gender Deal is received by women, or even by men. The New Gender Deal need only stand on its own merit, not popular acceptance.

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To the woman in question:

You have a choice, but your choice must be consistent, not hypocritical. Hypocrisy is unethical. The choice is between two options. They are as follows:

1. The traditional choice: If you look to a man to abide by traditional understandings of masculinity, then you must abide by traditional understandings of femininity. Special obligations imposed on men necessitate special obligations imposed on women. Gracious displays of chivalry from traditionalist men must be rewarded with gracious displays of subordination from traditionalist women. If a man pays for the dinner date on Friday night, then a woman should fix his lunch on Sunday afternoon.

Women in previous generations understood that their role was to serve their husbands. The husband's ambitions and dreams took precedence over that of their wives. Remember the saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman"? Women of yesteryear achieved their self-fulfillment vicariously through their husbands' successes. The price of asking a man to be the "breadwinner", etc. is that you must be subordinate to him in the direction of the relationship. You have the duty of deferring to his opinions before he has any duty of hearing yours. If you have eschewed the responsibility that comes with headship, you must eschew all benefits that come with it as well.

2. The egalitarian choice: If you want more say in your relationships with men, then you must accept more responsibility. If you want fathers to be more involved with domestic duties, then mothers need to be more involved with paying the bills. If you want to earn more money than the men around you, then be prepared to earn more money than your husband. If you want power and influence, then you must use it to help those who don't have it (including men).

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What are these options about? Real trade-offs. Real parity. Real justice. That's what men deserve from women. None of the immoral showing of partiality where a select caste of human beings have the best of all choices because they were born female. In addition to making one of these choices, you must also abide by the following code of ethics:

1. You must eschew the cultural trend of demeaning and insulting men. You must acknowledge that conduct commonly regarded as inappropriate, demeaning, and dehumanizing does not suddenly become justifiable for women in how they treat men. Case in point, if it is tasteless to joke about harming women, then it is tasteless to joke about harming men. If it is wrong for men to play the field and jerk women around in the dating game, then it is wrong for women to do the same to men. If it is wrong for men to judge women primarily or solely on external attributes (looks or money), then it is wrong for women to judge men in the same way. If it's wrong for women to be blamed for the stupid choices men make, then it's wrong for men to be blamed for the stupid choices women make (no headship psychobabble please). This is not about affirming that the sexes are identical. It is about affirming the equal worth of both men and women.

2. A man's worth is not defined by how lucky he is with the opposite sex. Hollywood can't define it by how many women he beds. Churches can't define it by how successfully he convinces a woman to take his last name. Men do not need to you to be "real men." They can have happiness and self-worth apart from having an intimate relationship with you or any other woman. Any insistence to the contrary cannot be dignified.

If you reject these terms of engagement, then a man has a right to reject any personal relationship with you. He has a right to question your desirability as a mate. He has a right to disregard your opinions about gender relations. Your protestations in this case will be for naught. Men do not have to listen to women who do not respect them. Men can go their own their way in this matter. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

21 comments:

Triton said...

The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Well, the choice is mine, too. And I've made it.

Strike! Strike!

Davout said...

Egalitarian relationships are demonstrably bad choices because they have much higher divorce rates compared to non-egalitarian marriages.
Feminists have blamed this on the men who 'haven't adjusted to egalitarianism' but marriage counsellors found out that it was the women who were threatened because the men were being more involved with the babies.

Researchers have also proven that the career driven woman is very likely to have low fertility anyways. Thus, any aspiring househusband is likely to have his hopes of raising a family nipped in the bud. This is coupled with the fact that the man who aspires to the househusband role is typically a man with a low sex drive.

There is also the latent problem of female hypergamy which makes women, over time, resent the fact that they are outearning their spouses. The husband will also in social gatherings often have to deal with the notion that he is 'leeching off his wife'.

There is the problem of macroeconomics:
Women who earn plenty of money very often do it in service economy businesses that do not generate jobs for men who are more inclined to prefer manufacturing jobs. If they are small business owners, they are usually content remaining that way. Manufacturing jobs create service jobs but the reverse is not true. Therefore, a growing service economy in lieu of a suffering manufacturing economy is a liability today.

Then there is the issue of microeconomics: research has also shown egalitarian relationships are more likely to be stressful to both partners. Stress causes depression and women are twice as prone to depression as men. They will thus take more time off from work which consequently means:

(a) that they will have to work harder to acheive the same result a non-depressed man of equivalent standing gets

and

(b) someone else will have to pick up the slack when they take time off.

It turns out that women spend 80% of the consumer dollar on average but spend even more when they earn more. Thus, the househusband is beholden to the economic decisions of his wife, presumably because she is more inclined to think that her money is HER money.

I could go on talking about unfavorable post divorce scenarios for househusbands, the attitude of career women within marriage, the increased propensity for affairs in both partners but I desist.

Bottom line: egalitarian relationships are bad for the men, the economy, fertility rates, men-women relationships and women too.

aqppydab said...

Either they get or they don't. If you have to explain it to them, argue it with them, more than once, then they don't get it, they don't want to get it, they just want to argue until you give in or kick them to the curb.

Ken said...

This is another way of saying it, I think: You can't play both sides of the fence - at least not at the same time with consistency.

Women today are enjoying more options than ever before, but many women do not want the obligations that come with those options. They want a "traditional" guy and life when it suits them, and they want a "feminist" or "modern" life when it suits them.

Many men live to please women, and so this inconsistency is incredbly frustrating to those men. And the men who refuse to agree to the arbitrary game are called "afraid of commitment" or worse.

Women file for divorce more often, and more often get custody of the children. The filing for divorce comes after choosing a husband poorly, or treating him poorly, or both. And so her boys get raised without a consistent father in the home who is happily married to their mother, often by a woman who is hostile towards men or herself in that she lets men use her for fornication. So her boys, as adults, will either be less eager to marry, or will have a poor model if the do.

This compounds the problem, making it harder for women to find men prepared to be husbands, but they will get pregnant anyway.

Women: You have the power in personal relationships. The only way a man retains power is if you allow it or if he chooses not to enter into a relationship with a woman in the first place. Even if you submit to your husband, you have to choose to do so. Why allow your husband that power? Because if you have chosen wisely, he will lay down his life for you, and you will have a happier and stronger marriage.

If you are unwilling to do this, then more men will continue to "strike".

kevin said...

Nice post. One of these days I'm going to start a series on singleness issues . . . some day.

Curiepoint said...

I would be content with just a few points:

1). Be Feminine! There is nothing worse that a woman who thinks equality means dressing like men, acting like men, cursing like men, and smelling like men. Be a woman for g-d's sake, and stop trying to endlessly prove you're just as good or better than me because I am just a mere pathetic man.

2). Decide which you want to be: a woman I am proud to be with and be seen with, or a ball-busting bitch. That way, I can make the determination myself as to whether or not I will allow you into my life.

3). If you choose to be a ball-buster, don't you ever proclaim victim status to me. You will only prove your self to be full up to the ear canals with BS.

4). Be consistent with whatever you choose. If you suddenly wake up and do a 180 on me, don't be surprised to get the "I just want to be friends" speech...if that. In this case, I for one don't want to be associated with someone who rightfully belongs in Bellevue between ice-water sheets.

The rest I can work with, and make concessions upon.

MarkyMark said...

Anakin,

This is GREAT! If it's ok, I'd like to run this on my blog. You have captured my feelings & thoughts well...

MarkyMark

Anakin Niceguy said...

Go ahead, MarkyMark. People are invited to borrow anything I write here. I don't need any credit for it. Just don't try to make me look bad. :-P

SavvyD said...

I'm soooo fine with that. Everything you say is great. My problem is that I must be meeting the wrong guys. They pay for my dinner hoping and praying that I'll be easy. Of course if they are Christian, they don't seem to want to get to know me at all for fear that having lunch with me ONCE is leading me on. Puh-lease. How do I get to what you are talking about??? I've had soooooo many people tell me I'm too old fashioned, too uptight, too whatever...

Triton said...

By the way, Anakin, you and I had a visitor from the CIA today. He spent nine seconds at my blog before coming over here to yours. Just thought you'd like to know.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post, Anakin. I've made my decision too, enjoying my singleness and not wishing to have what passes for 'marriage' these days. In a world where the women have the power in the courts, it's not worth it any longer. I have my hobbies, the ladies can have their cats.

Laura said...

Goodness! I actually agree! This is perfectly reasonable and I think it is a decision that men and women should consider. If you give more than you get, you are being taken advantage of, and that is really never appropriate. Add in the fact that it should make one partner happy for the other to be happy and vice verse, and that is a pretty solid basis for relationships.

SavvyD said...

Triton, you just sound angry an bitter. Real love is possible, and you just might be missing out. That's sad.

I don't think I have more options as a decent girl with traditional values. If anything, I'm pressured to be more loose. I would love to be married traditional style with a husband who loves me and cares what I think.

You want a home-cooked meal that's great? Don't expect me to work full time. You want the house perfectly clean? Let's hire some extra help. Treat me nice and we'll get along fine. I'll treat you nice, too. You can relax in the chair and tell me about your day. I'm a good listener.

SavvyD said...

And this all really makes me wonder what exactly I'm supposed to do because I was thinking I would get married and raise children. If this never happens, I didn't choose my career wisely. I may have to go back to learn a practical career. This isn't what I expected.

Anonymous said...

SavvyD,
You have a knife strapped to your arm. You're saying 'Im a good girl and will never stab you with it'.

Id rather not go near a person with a knife strapped to their arm 24/7. Sooner or later...Ill get stabbed.

The knife is your legal 'rights'. And your part in it was not telling your feminist sisters to stfu for decades.

Ping Jockey said...

Is this really a "Marriage Strike" that's going on?
Or is it (what I think is more appropriate) another "Great Escape"?

Anonymous said...

Try using the words "In the name of True Gender Equality".

It's an idea you really should get out there!

Anonymous said...

Choice #2 sounds good. Apart from not only fully supporting myself ever since i left my (full-wage-earning) mother's house at the age of 20, i've gone to school full-time as well as worked full-time. ALL of my bills are paid on schedule and have never asked, needed, let alone expected assistance from any man. Not to say that i won't let a man pay for a date if he insists, but when he won't let me give back, i won't date him twice. Giving can just be another form of domination. In addition, i have not only suppressed sexist humor against women, but also sexist humor against men, which came from other MEN! Funny how men can be their own worst enemies sometimes. I certainly appreciate nice actions and favors from men, but only let it continue when they allow me to return the favor. Civility, not chivalry. God, Others, Self. Not God, Women, Self

Anonymous said...

The force is strong with you, young Anakin!

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