Dear Bible-Believing Man,
Whenever you visit the websites of religious "relationship experts" and other such pundits, do you feel a disconnect between what you affirm and what they affirm? Are you confused by what they say, given that they claim to speak for believers such as yourself? Never fear! Your days of frustration are over! I hereby present the Estrogelical Glossary, a handy guide to the lingo others use when talking about "biblical manhood."
accountability (n): (1) A church ministry designed to assist men in overcoming their sexuality. (2) A similar ministry designed to help people that might otherwise think for themselves.
beauty (n): (1) A quality that man are commanded by the church to see only internally in women. (2) A quality women see only externally with each other.
biblical (adj): Traditional.
call (v): To demand another believer do something (Note: Always used in the passive voice as an auxiliary verb - e.g., "Men are called to be providers" as opposed to "I call men to be providers.").
children (n): (1) A plurality of small human beings that are an unqualified blessing between a minimum quantity of two and a maximum quantity of whatever number a religious pundit feels like siring himself. (2) A fashion accessory for Christian women.
Christian: (1) (adj) Culturally reactionary. (2) (n) One who agrees with the theology of the lecturers for T4G.
church (n): (1) A building with a beautiful, commodious auditorium. (2) A civic club that uses hymn books (not to be confused with a local fellowship of believers who have all things in common and bear one another's burdens).
conservative (adj): Fashionably authoritarian.
counter-cultural (adj): A quality ascribed to customs and traditions in order to present them as being biblical and trendy, when in fact, they are neither.
courtship (n): (euphemism) (see dating)
dating (n): Something between lust and fornication. (see also courtship)
defraud (v): The act of just wanting to be friends with a woman.
discernment (n): The degree of scrupulosity bound on others that one is willing to personally adopt himself.
DTR (n): Short for "defining the relationship" (also "dudes tolerating rejection").
family: (1) (n) A mother, father, and two or more children (contrast with a widow and two children, a couple with one child, etc.). (2) (n) The "basic unit of society," contrasted with single people who are not a part of society. (3) (adj) Religiously conservative ("family values," "family bookstore," or "family activities").
feel (v): The female alternative to knowing.
husbands (n): A male indentured servant.
initiate (v): Exercising the prerogative of doing something constructive or meaningful about a relationship (e.g., "Real men initiate and women don’t!").
intentional (n): Purposefully compliant.
leadership (n): (1) The act of making decisions that are a part of adulthood but are not particularly pleasant ("Men are called to leadership, not women!"). (2) A collectivity of religious individuals who "lead" primarily in ways other than by example ("Trust your leadership in your church!").
lust (n): Showing even the slightest bit of heterosexual interest in the opposite sex, chiefly when men are interested in women.
man (n): A recovering pervert.
manly (adj.) : Acting like a jock, but religious.
marriage (n): Church-approved relationship wherein women exchange sex for financial support, not to be confused with prostitution, a practice that is sinful and demeaning to women.
mature (adj): Thoroughly indoctrinated.
ministry (n): An enterprise which involves dispensing platitudes, dictums, and non-expertise for profit.
morality (n): Responsible and ethical behavior regarded solely in terms of sexuality.
pastor (n): (euphemism) (see preacher)
pornography (n): A type of media that presents an unrealistic and demeaning view of the opposite sex (not to be confused with romance novels and anything relationship experts write about men).
preacher (n): A person in the habit of complaining about other believers who nonetheless gets paid for it.
protector (n): A man who engages in stereotypically masculine acts of aggressiveness and stoicism, even though the woman in his company is most likely not in immediate danger of anything substantive.
provider (n): The one who makes the larger paycheck ("Women are not called to be providers for their families because they are not supposed to provide anything!").
purity (n): Restraint from all indications of being heterosexual prior to marriage.
real men (n): Men who comply with one's demands.
self: (n): One's welfare (always to be denied for the sake of others who have a low opinion of it).
sex (n): A reward dispensed to a male pet who obeys his owner.
sin (n) (1) Archaic: A transgression of God's law. (2) Doing whatever a religious writer doesn't like.
singleness (n): The status of being alone and lonely--a tragedy for women, but a sin for men.
submit (v): The graciousness of a woman shown in her acceptance of whatever preferential treatment a man gives her.
wife (n): A career woman with a retirement plan.
woman (n): A asexual, angelic being who likes children and money.
worldview (n): A coherent system of wrong-headed ideas ("We need to develop a worldview to counter that of our secular culture.").
worldly (adj) (synonym for secular): Akin to whatever non-religious people embrace, whether it makes perfect sense or not.
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