A blog for Christian men "going their own way."

Friday, January 8, 2010

More Thoughts on My Thoughts on Sex

Some may look at my recent posts and see some apparent contradictions (I say "apparent" as opposed to "actual"). First I say "incels" do not exist, but then I acknowledge that people are having difficulty obtaining intimacy. I say that men can control their sexual appetites and live happy lives without obligating themselves to women, if need be. Yet, in the same post I acknowledge that men are biologically hardwired to want sex with women. Moreover, I acknowledge that the male sex drive is strong enough for some sex-deprived men to want to go into pornography, etc.

I don't think I'm contradicting myself. I am reacting against some extremes. On one hand, too many people want to box men in and tell them that they can't be independent of romantic relationships with women. On the other hand, too many want to turn men into polite eunuchs and ignore the natural reality of the male sex drive, chiefly its intensity, ardor, and attraction to physical beauty in women. That is why male chastity that honors a man's sex drive is a more complex matter than a chastity that demeans men (especially a type of demeaning chastity that incriminates and/or devalues men and pedastalizes women). A Christian man that doesn't want to get married is called to be chaste, but that chastity should be informed by a male-friendly type of "gender realism," not a white-knighting, Estrogelical narrative that is so common among religious pundits. The male-friendly chastity of which I speak requires an unlearning of things (an "unplugging from the Femamatrix" if you will) and the inculcation of a new knowledge base and mindset, but I nonetheless think it's doable and in reach for nearly all the men who want it.

On a related note, an "incel" site called love-shy.com has picked up my post on the "incel" community. Needless to say, the folks at that site are none too pleased with what I have written about the matter. It's too bad, really. I understand that many people are lonely and not in a good position to enjoy intimacy under the circumstances they would choose or tolerate. But frankly, the "incel" label is a self-imposed form of victimhood. It's like some people getting together and starting a group called the Society of the Involuntarily Socially Awkward. As it is, very few people can truly say that they absolutely cannot get sex. There is, more often than not, some desire that is stronger than the sex--a desire to avoid rejection, to not be bothered with too much effort, to save money, to save time, to save one's sanity, to "keep oneself unspotted from the world", etc. Sometimes these desires are legitimate; sometimes they are not. The "incel" label doesn't take this matter into account, though. Rather, the label is counterproductive, given to waving the white flag and lying down in the ditch. It's especially tragic since a happy and productive life should not be held hostage to having sex with people.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

"that chastity should be informed by a male-friendly type of "gender realism," not a white-knighting, Estrogelical narrative that is so common among religious pundits. The male-friendly chastity of which I speak requires an unlearning of things (an "unplugging from the Femamatrix" if you will) and the inculcation of a new knowledge base and mindset, but I nonetheless think it's doable and in reach for nearly all the men who want it.
"

I think the real Male narrative is to learn to master ones senses, to develop willpower. Male chastity is meaningless without the deeper ancient and spiritual aspect of continence and of mastering "the flesh". Culturaly it is only in this context that great saints or mystics rise.

Every patriarchal culture before has always had a component of learning young men to master their senses. Not only by a period of chastity but also through other rites of passage where they had to challenge the deep core impulses of their beings.

In todays society the idea of learning young boys the art of self discipline is abhorred, making them into sheep for the shearing by the various industrys, the junkfood, porn, prostitution, drug, the prison or the dicorce industry has an ever empty belly to be fed by broken men.

The "Estrogelical narrative" is seen in todays protestant but also in the catholic church, where they claim to practice celibacy without continence. It's result is a more materialistic oriented church, where there is less emphazis on profound spiritual knowledge and more emphazis on political niceness.

/Albert

swaninge said...

Great post. Any man who can unplug himself from the idea that it is mandatory to have a woman in his life to make him normal, can ditch the porn at the same time and live a chaste life will discover a level of freedom that he has ever known. Once men take the power of sex away from women they will quickly realize that most women have nothing left to offer but endless troubles.

Papa San said...

Wow, I read the comments on that board and those boys are dangerously bitter. I don't know who these incels are but if they really want to be married so bad why don't they just go to some other country and pick out a wife there? American men are the most sought after husbands in the world. It's just here in the US where we are hated.

They also don't seem to get that no sex before marriage is a proven protective mechanism that benefits men. It keeps men from being blinded by sex into a sham marriage.

Maybe they are just to angry being angry to notice these things.

Niko said...

In the past the best way to "unplug" was to become a monastic(not necessarily of the formal institution) and it was these men that kept the flicker of civilization alight during its darker times.

What more could a man want, freedom from the rat race, time for learning, rural lifestyle, intellectual discourse, no women, a brotherhood etc. Truly a city on "city on a hill".

Anonymous said...

"What more could a man want, freedom from the rat race, time for learning, rural lifestyle, intellectual discourse, no women, a brotherhood etc. Truly a city on "city on a hill".
"

I ask the same question Niko. I think in some ways each one of us can be citizens of that "City on the Hill" as we learn to unplug from the Matrix. I think one useful tool among others is the quest to not only abstain from sex but to actually control the very impulse for a higher purpose(even if done for a limited timespan). I can imagine those who are incels are often just putting gasoline on their bonfire of passion with pornography instead of transmuting the desire into usefull work. Its interesting that a growing number of the PUA community also recognize the usefullness of continence as way to fuel their efforts.

/Albert

Anonymous said...

(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)

(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)

Have you noticed, that people are still having sex
All the denouncement had absolutely no effect
Parents and councelors constantly scorn them
but people are still having sex and nothing seems to stop them

(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)

Do you realise, that people are still having sex
they’ve been told not to, perhaps they are perplexed
When you see them holding hands they’re making future plans
to engage in the activity, do you understand me?

People are still having sex, lust keeps on lurking
Nothing makes them stop, this AIDS thing’s not working

People are still having sex, it’s been going on for quite a while
Perhaps it’s quite fashionable, it’s hasn’t got enough style (giggle)

(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)

(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)
(Hello lover)

It’s a fact that people are still having sex
It’s rather obvious, it’s just what one expects
The evidence is all around that everyone in every town
has had it one time or another in their life

At this very moment, people are still having sex
In a downtown condom, or street in the projects
Although you can’t see them, or hear their breathing sounds
someone in this world is having sex right now

People are still having sex!
People are still having sex!
People are still having sex!
People are still having sex!

(Syn Organ solo)

(Sex, sex, sex, sex)
(Sex, sex, sex, sex)(giggle)

(Solo)

People are still having sex, lust keeps on lurking
nothing makes them stop, this AIDS thing’s not working
People are still having sex, it’s been going on for quite a while
Perhaps it’s quite fashionable, it hasn’t got enough style
People are still having sex,
People are still having sex,
People are still having sex,
People are still having sex (sex)